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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

my playlis as of right now

(These are all Tegan and Sara songs by the way)

Here I Am
Star money
Dancing In the Dark (cover)
My Number
Hello
When I Get Up
Just Me
Heavy
Clever Meals
Empty In Between
The First
This is Everything
Missing you
Come On
Call It Off
Dark come Soon
Don't confess
Where Does the Good Go
I Know, I Know, I Know
I was Married
Love type thing
Welcome Home
Nineteen
Soil, Soil
Not with You 
Underwater
and...
Not Tonight

It's been a while since I've posted. Christmas has come and gone, i would have skipped it altogether this year had that been an option.  Still feeling guilty about hurting people, and still coming apart at the seams. I don't know why I can't shake this heart ache.... Wait, yes I do. I miss people I love and I don't know how to deal with this pain. First off, I miss my Father. He passed away this spring and it has ripped a gaping wound in not only my heart and soul but my family as well.  I love you Daddy.
Second, I still haven't seen the woman I'm in love with and every day it gets harder and harder to be so fucking far away from her. So for now, I listen to my music, I write and hope to see her again soon.  


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

seams in my brain coming undone....

6 in the morning  
and i'm still awake
thoughts ripping through me like 
razors
thinking too much
over analyzing everything
her
me 
her, a different her
me again
and all of those people
good and bad
i've gotten to know
all too well
before i just say
fuck it
fuck them 
fuck this
i'm done
we're through
it's over
fuck you
but who's the you im speaking to
is it her, or her or maybe him 
could be a they
hell, it might even be me
do you know
can you help
mend this seam in my soul
with it's threadbare efforts
to hold my sanity in
or is it my turn 
to be left 
in this cold world 
that i have created
and stranded others in

Sunday, December 12, 2010

WTF?

*current music: Not Tonight by Tegan and Sara*

I've spent the day not feeling well. Im not quite sure if it's because I've been working for 8 or 9 days straight and im having "first day off blahs" or because I have a shitty sleeping schedule and my eating habits suck and it's wearing me down but either way it sucks.  So, i spent the day alternating between dozing in and out of sleep and watching the L word with my dog. 

One thing is for sure, I still miss her. It doesn't matter if I'm awake or asleep, listening to music, reading or watching sad sappy lesbian tv, everything makes me think about her and how much i want, if not need, to see her again. She's been the one person in my life that no matter how long it's been since I've seen her, i always wonder how she's doing, what she'd say if she could see what's goin'  on with me ect.  It's been over seven months now since I've seen her, since we kissed for the first time standing outside my old house, and i had to pull away and go in so i didn't pass out.  I can't get her off my mind and that leaves my heart ripped wide open and exposed which is something I am not used to and I'm not too comfortable with how that feels...



Friday, December 3, 2010

sickening realizations....

I wake up from fitful dreams of her, and can't get back to sleep no matter how hard I try. She's in my fucking veins, an addiction, that no matter how long I'm away I just can't shake.  I've spent years of my life doing all I could to only ending up destroying hearts and relationships with people I thought I could maybe, eventually, love.  Looking back now, I knew every time that the "love" that was needed could never be there for, (with), any of them. They weren't ever who or what I wanted. I knew that when I picked them. So instead I lied to myself, and them, pretending i could be theirs when I was already hers.

    Maybe that makes me a bad person, I truly hope not, but maybe. Heart after heart I tried, knowing full and well that things would end, badly because of my own feelings. I wasn't always the one to step up and say "it's over" but in more than one situation I was the one to, albeit subconsciously, purposely push them to make that decision, thinking if they assumed it was their idea it wouldn't hurt. I never wanted to cause anyone pain, but I'm good at it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not something I'm proud of being good at, it's just there, another trait like my hazel-green eyes and small hands. I actually hate hurting people, and it bothers me when I do, but that's another post....