my playlis as of right now

(These are all Tegan and Sara songs by the way)

Here I Am

Star money

Dancing In the Dark (cover)

My Number

Hello

When I Get Up

Just Me

Heavy

Clever Meals

Empty In Between

The First

This is Everything

Missing you

Come On

Call It Off

Dark come Soon

Don't confess

Where Does the Good Go

I Know, I Know, I Know

I was Married

Love type thing

Welcome Home

Nineteen

Soil, Soil

Not with You 

Underwater

and...

Not Tonight

It's been a while since I've posted. Christmas has come and gone, i would have skipped it altogether this year had that been an option.  Still feeling guilty about hurting people, and still coming apart at the seams. I don't know why I can't shake this heart ache.... Wait, yes I do. I miss people I love and I don't know how to deal with this pain. First off, I miss my Father. He passed away this spring and it has ripped a gaping wound in not only my heart and soul but my family as well.  I love you Daddy.

Second, I still haven't seen the woman I'm in love with and every day it gets harder and harder to be so fucking far away from her. So for now, I listen to my music, I write and hope to see her again soon.  

seams in my brain coming undone....

6 in the morning  

and i'm still awake

thoughts ripping through me like 

razors

thinking too much

over analyzing everything

her

me 

her, a different her

me again

and all of those people

good and bad

i've gotten to know

all too well

before i just say

fuck it

fuck them 

fuck this

i'm done

we're through

it's over

fuck you

but who's the you im speaking to

is it her, or her or maybe him 

could be a they

hell, it might even be me

do you know

can you help

mend this seam in my soul

with it's threadbare efforts

to hold my sanity in

or is it my turn 

to be left 

in this cold world 

that i have created

and stranded others in

WTF?

*current music: Not Tonight by Tegan and Sara*

I've spent the day not feeling well. Im not quite sure if it's because I've been working for 8 or 9 days straight and im having "first day off blahs" or because I have a shitty sleeping schedule and my eating habits suck and it's wearing me down but either way it sucks.  So, i spent the day alternating between dozing in and out of sleep and watching the L word with my dog. 

One thing is for sure, I still miss her. It doesn't matter if I'm awake or asleep, listening to music, reading or watching sad sappy lesbian tv, everything makes me think about her and how much i want, if not need, to see her again. She's been the one person in my life that no matter how long it's been since I've seen her, i always wonder how she's doing, what she'd say if she could see what's goin'  on with me ect.  It's been over seven months now since I've seen her, since we kissed for the first time standing outside my old house, and i had to pull away and go in so i didn't pass out.  I can't get her off my mind and that leaves my heart ripped wide open and exposed which is something I am not used to and I'm not too comfortable with how that feels...

sickening realizations....

I wake up from fitful dreams of her, and can't get back to sleep no matter how hard I try. She's in my fucking veins, an addiction, that no matter how long I'm away I just can't shake.  I've spent years of my life doing all I could to only ending up destroying hearts and relationships with people I thought I could maybe, eventually, love.  Looking back now, I knew every time that the "love" that was needed could never be there for, (with), any of them. They weren't ever who or what I wanted. I knew that when I picked them. So instead I lied to myself, and them, pretending i could be theirs when I was already hers.

    Maybe that makes me a bad person, I truly hope not, but maybe. Heart after heart I tried, knowing full and well that things would end, badly because of my own feelings. I wasn't always the one to step up and say "it's over" but in more than one situation I was the one to, albeit subconsciously, purposely push them to make that decision, thinking if they assumed it was their idea it wouldn't hurt. I never wanted to cause anyone pain, but I'm good at it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not something I'm proud of being good at, it's just there, another trait like my hazel-green eyes and small hands. I actually hate hurting people, and it bothers me when I do, but that's another post....

Will you Show?

kiss me again
hold me close to you
whisper in my ear
please tell me this is real
cuz I just can't take it
one more dream
of you
and me

together
only to wake up
in my empty bed
with empty arms
and an ache
that rips apart my soul
leaving me to weep
alone
in the darkness
again

with only music 

to protect

and project

my heart

tonight...

* current song: I Know I Know I Know*

So... More cold, little less snow and a constant stream of music and thoughts don't make for an exciting life, but I'm gonna learn to play guitar (yay!)

Holy shit! Its a whole 13 degrees oustide right now! Talk about a heat wave... Snow's still deep as hell though and it isn't goin anywhere.

So I'm testing this mobile updating thing to see if it works...

Current Music: Tegan and Sara's This Is Everything
Current Mood: Sleepy, sad, and lonely
WARNING!!!! I swear ALOT. WARNING #2: I'm pretty random at times so it can be hard to follow me. Sorry.
Well, now that that's out of the way... 

Hello to anyone who might be reading this. It's well after 6 am and I can't sleep. Also, you should know that I'm freezing my ass off as I'm typing this because it's about 20 below zero outside and no matter what I just can't get warm. The extreme cold plus the lack of sleep has caused me to be rather grumpy too. So this is my introduction to this Blogging thing that people are talking about. Will try to write more later. Right now must go snuggle up and sleep.