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Friday, December 3, 2010

sickening realizations....

I wake up from fitful dreams of her, and can't get back to sleep no matter how hard I try. She's in my fucking veins, an addiction, that no matter how long I'm away I just can't shake.  I've spent years of my life doing all I could to only ending up destroying hearts and relationships with people I thought I could maybe, eventually, love.  Looking back now, I knew every time that the "love" that was needed could never be there for, (with), any of them. They weren't ever who or what I wanted. I knew that when I picked them. So instead I lied to myself, and them, pretending i could be theirs when I was already hers.

    Maybe that makes me a bad person, I truly hope not, but maybe. Heart after heart I tried, knowing full and well that things would end, badly because of my own feelings. I wasn't always the one to step up and say "it's over" but in more than one situation I was the one to, albeit subconsciously, purposely push them to make that decision, thinking if they assumed it was their idea it wouldn't hurt. I never wanted to cause anyone pain, but I'm good at it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not something I'm proud of being good at, it's just there, another trait like my hazel-green eyes and small hands. I actually hate hurting people, and it bothers me when I do, but that's another post....

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